Tag Archives: Thoughts

Thoughts on a Decade

Rhys turns 10 today.

I’ve been frequently lost in thought, yet not really able to come up with the right words to express how I feel about my eldest being this old and myself seemingly graduating to a new chapter of parenting.

He’s been around for a lot of years now. I’ve been a mom for a decade.

What sticks out the most as I’ve approached this day is that I keep thinking back to when he was a skinny squeaking week-old baby. I was sitting on our hand-me-down couches in our tiny rental on Maryland St., totally overwhelmed by what had just happened and what was unfolding in my life. That day, I found myself comforted by my mother-in-law who’s reassuring words turned my thoughts to the future and the reality that I was going to be a young mom. Not that I wasn’t already a young mom. At just 21 years of age I certainly wasn’t the youngest mother out there, but it was much sooner then we had planned and I was the first in a number of circles of friends to have a child. But she opened my eyes to see that even when our kids were a bit older, we’d still be young, and when they were independent, we’d still be young. The days and nights didn’t get easier from that point on, and I wish I had thought back on that conversation more often when I felt the isolation and loneliness that being a stay-at-home mom can bring, but it did stick with me and came to surface from time-to-time.

One of these times, which wasn’t very far off from the original conversation, was when I thought ahead to Rhys turning 10. You can’t imagine (especially if it’s your first child) your kid being that much older. You might have a murky distorted view of what they could possibly be like, or what you hope they could be like, but it’s not like thinking ahead to next winter and knowing it will be white and cold. It’s hard to picture your child 10 years down the road when they are just a helpless baby. It would have been nice to get an inside scoop from future Bria telling me that Rhys would be an awesome kid, full of creativity and intelligence and humour and heart (and that I’d have two more babies down the road!), it would have put my mind at ease. But that specific date, Rhys turning 10 and me being only 31, was a big question mark. I don’t know why it sat in the forefront of my mind for so long. It left a bit of an impression.

And now that Rhys has turned 10 and I am 31 and we are in the present of what was once just a distant far-off future, I can’t help but think back to the past. I can’t help but hover in that chocolatey-brown room above 21 year-old sleep deprived Bria holding little baby Rhys crying her eyes out, feeling a river of every emotion there ever was to feel all at the same time. I can’t help but want so badly to tell her that it’s okay and it will be okay and that she just needs to be kind to herself. No one has it figured out. No one. And while I’m hovering there, in that room, in that moment in the past, I try to steal a glimpse of my precious baby Rhys once more, wishing with every fibre of my mother-heart to once again have that little bundle in my arms. And in this moment, while I’m thinking back on that moment, I can almost feel 41 year old Bria hovering over me while I sit here balling my eyes out on this chocolately-brown couch, wanting so badly to whisper all the exact same things. It’s okay, it’ll be okay, you just need to be kind to yourself. No one has it figured out. No one. He’s growing up fast, but he’s such an awesome man, full of creativity and intelligence and humour and heart.

Just hold him and love him.

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Rest

The house is quiet. So still. The only noise is the humming of the furnace pumping warm air through the chilly house, battling the winter weather.

The snow is fluttering down, getting heavier and heavier. Coating everything. My big knit sweater helps me to see the beauty of it. I hear the occasional crunch of boots on snow from a passerby.

I put the coffee on, plug in the Christmas lights and tuck in under my blanket on the couch.

No sign of the kids. They’re away at a winter wonderland for a few days. I miss my little guy and his crazy bed head and pyjama cuddles.

I should be sleeping, but I’m not. Too much tossing and turning. I’m up before first light trying to be quiet so as not to wake my tired husband.

And yet, the stillness, the soft snow, the twinkling lights, they’re calming to my weary spirit. Peaceful. The way the season should feel.

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These Days

 

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Just in the past week or so Eli has started to actually play. It’s still crazy toddler playing, but he’s finally sitting down or sitting at the table and occupying his time with toys instead of just wandering around the house carrying things or moving random objects from here to there. It’s nice. Really nice. I think that part of it is that Rhys and Amelia sit at the table a lot and Eli wants to be up there doing something as well. He’s all about cars and trucks, like most little boys. He can’t say a single word but he can make loads of sound effects already.

Now that the weather is warming up and our snow is quickly melting we are taking lots of walks around the block. Sometimes he walks and splashes in the puddles and sometimes I push him in the stroller. We are both loving the fresh air after being cooped up all winter long. Its fun to see his world open up; new smells and sounds and sights. He’s clearly enjoying himself.

I’ve been busy with the house and kids and husband, as per usual. I moved all of my living room and dining room furniture a few days ago and swept and moped everywhere. It was so clean and shiny and sparkling. Today? It looks like a dirty stuff bomb went off. There are muddy footprints all through the house (husband), there are tiny cars scattered about (Eli), there are clothes all over (Amelia), there are Lego bits and loom elastics and pine needles. It’s a never-ending tedious job that makes me drink at night.

But that’s life. Clean one minute and messy the next.

 

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Taking Some Time

The world keeps turning outside of social media. Who knew? Life carries on.

I felt the pull to repeat the same Lenten fasting as last year and have removed myself from all of those time-sucking websites and have limited computer time to after the kids are in bed. I got a lot out of it last time around and was looking forward to stepping away from the hustle and bustle of the news feeds and game requests and idyllic envy-inducing instagrams. Truth be told, I’d love to walk away from all of it for good but, like so many others I’ve talked to, I just can’t seem to make that leap.

However, this has proven to be a good starter week for me since our sink and dishwasher aren’t draining at all. My attention has been on washing a million dishes in plastic bins and since we are a hungry family of five, we go through a lot of dishes. It’s a good thing I have a six year old who loves to be a helper.

Along with dish duty, I’ve been continuing to read some books that I had previously posted about. These are pulling at my heart strings and awakening my long-subdued homesteading/hobby farming desires. We aren’t buying land any time soon but I’m seeing ways in which I can get more out of our urban life. The way in which I’ve viewed myself as “only” a stay-at-home-mom is slowly changing as I try hard to pull away from the damaging priorities I’ve bought into for so long…but that’s a whole other blog that’s bubbling up to the surface.

It’s refreshing to retreat for awhile and allow yourself some space to breath and to evaluate your trajectory.

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Good Reads

There are some seriously good and inspiring books being read over here these days.

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“As I looked more closely at the role homemaking could play in revitalizing our local food system, I saw that the position was a linch-pin for more than just making use of garden produce and chicken carcasses. Individuals who had taken this path in life were building a great bridge from our existing extractive economy – where corporate wealth was regarded as the foundation of economic health, where mining our earth’s resources and exploiting our international neighbors was accepted as simply the cost of doing business – to a life-serving economy, where the goal is…to generate a living for all, rather than a killing for a few, where our resources are sustained, our waters are kept clean, our air pure, and families can lead meaningful and joyful lives.”

-Shannon Hayes. Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture

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Three Things for 2014.

I’m trying really hard to not come up with an overwhelming list of things that I’d like to work on or change this year. It’s become instinctual, around this time, to start tallying-up all of my personal failures of the past 12 months or bad-habits that I continued to partake in and make a mind-numbingly long list of New Years resolutions.

I decided this year, instead of starting off with a whole slew of reasons why I’m not “up to par”  I would just make a simple mandate to myself, one that would encompass the many things I hope to engage in and improve upon this year.

So, for 2014 I hope to take more risks, be adventurous and live creatively.

I’m excited to see how these three things will pan out.

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All’s Well

Do you ever have those moments where it seems as though the stars align, even if only for the blink of an eye, and you take a deep relaxing breath and you are once again reminded that all is well?

I had one of those fleeting seconds today. Surrounded by piles of laundry and baby toys, I was stitching-up some moccasins for Eli. The Christmas lights were glimmering, the snow was lazily falling as though it had nowhere important to be. My worries didn’t seem so heavy for those few breaths. Things slipped off my shoulders and I remembered that everything will be fine.

I’m looking forward to Christmas this year.

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