Oh, the comfort—
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
– Dinah Craik
My phone was at 2% so I quickly ran upstairs to charge it. The kids had been home from school for a little while and I had already lost my cool more times then I’d like to admit. Once I got up to my freshly cleaned room (the bed was even made) I plugged my phone in then sat on the edge of my bed. I was tired and had only a shred of patience left, if that. I swung my legs up and relaxed onto our oversized pillows. James was downstairs with the chaos, so I decided to catch a couple minutes of quiet.
Not two minutes later our little guy noticed my absence and came wandering up the stairs to look for me. If I had a door it would have been closed and he would have been turned away. But, being a loft, he had free access to poke his chubby cheeks around the corner and ruin me with his toothy grin. He ran to my side of the bed and said “hi!”, clearly proud of his success in locating his lost mother. Without a second to lose he hoisted himself up onto my bed and settled himself beside me, under the covers, using “his” pillow (one of our throw pillows that he has adopted as his own). We sat for a minute in silence. Eli started looking around, then he tapped James spot and yelled “DADDY!”. This happened a few times until I called louder and james came running up the stairs.
“Eli wants you in your spot” I said to James, “Apparently it’s cuddle time.”
So he crawled into his spot and the three of us sat there, Eli grinning the biggest grin.
It was just a blip in our day, and the silliest thing, but it managed to recharge me and put a smile on my face. I live for those moments where, in the midst of the chaos and tantrums and arguments and dinners and Baby Sumo sessions and every bin of toys being upturned, I find a peace and a reason and a purpose and a resolution.
It was time.
Our eight year relationship came to an end. I tried to prolong the inevitable. I took breaks and limited my time, but in the end it had to happen. I kicked-off 2015 by shutting down my Facebook account. And you know what? It felt great.
I’ve blogged about my FB frustrations before, and I’m sure it’s not a stretch for most people to understand them, but it had gotten to a point where every time I logged-on I was left wondering why I allow that in my life. I have my blog (however infrequently I’ve been using it lately), I have Instagram, I have e-mail and a phone. My true friends will contact me without needing a social media reminder. I have other platforms to get my thoughts out and to allow little glimpses into my life. So why did I need it? Why was I wasting my energy and mental space on it? The cons were drastically outweighing the pros when I would go through an internal debate about keeping Facebook. Eventually there came a moment when there were no pros, and that meant it was time.
To be totally honest, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, which is a good thing considering I’ve been pretty stressed these days. I need the room. I need the space. I need those shreds of composure to deal with my life. I need the energy and time. Facebook doesn’t need any of that.
So that’s that. The book, as it were, is closed and I’m moving on.