Eli has been sick and is also teething. He’s always been pretty good sleeper, but for the past four nights it’s been awful. Two of those nights he’s had to sleep with me and one of those nights he slept in the playpen right beside my bed. I can’t do much to comfort him it seems, other than let him know I’m there.
I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot lately. Life is getting me down and I’m weary. Our church is having a craft and bake sale this Sunday and I committed to bringing things, but I’m seriously hoping little elves can come and sew things in the middle of the night.
If I were to be totally honest and truthful with you at this point in time, I would tell you that I can’t wait for my kids to grow up and move out. I can’t wait for James and I to have time to ourselves. I can’t wait for my house to be tidy 10 minutes after I cleaned it. I can’t wait to have the energy to take-up some hobbies. I can’t wait to stay-up later than 9:00pm. I can’t wait to sleep-in longer than 7:30am! I can’t wait to be a snow bird and spend a few months out of every year in Arizona. I can’t wait get in my car and run errands and grab coffee without adjusting to children and schedules. I can’t wait.
Screaming right back at me is this annoying voice, dripping with mommy-guilt, that says, “CHERISH THEM!” Because apparently I’m not allowed to wish for slower days and a clearer mind and a cleaner house and better sleep. Apparently I’m not allowed to want to resemble a normal human. A functioning human. No, the mommy-guilt gets me every time…and all of the voice that actually tell me to cherish my children because “it goes by so darn fast! They’ll be grown before you know it!” Well, it doesn’t feel fast right now. It feels slow and tiring and hard. How dare I wish them away and retreat to fantasy land where I live a life that is orderly and creatively stimulating. How dare I!
I’m surviving the difficult “young family” years. Yes, I love my children dearly. I often like them. Heck, I even enjoy them and the craziness from time to time…but it’s hard.
It’s hard when your husband has been working for almost two weeks straight and you’ve barely slept because of sick kids and you wake-up to mess and you’re trying to appease the baby while your kid refuses to eat what you given them because you’re too low on groceries to provide options. Do I argue and get even more frustrated? Do I give-in? Do I teach them a lesson and send them to school hungry? I’m too tired to be going through this 5 minutes after I wake-up. It’s hard being everything to everybody.
Ugh. I need some more coffee.