Lately, I’ve been quite surprised with myself over how toxic I’d let my thought patterns become. Over the years I’ve created this process of self-sabotaging that I continually allow myself to go through. I’ll have a wonderful thought or idea or a compliment from someone and within seconds I’ll have handfuls of reasons why it wasn’t a superb idea or how I’ll fail at it or this, that, and the other thing. It’s disheartening to live like that.
There are a few problems that I’ve run into with living like this. One is that you won’t ever make any progress or be successful (in whatever you choose) if that’s how you view yourself. The other is that if that’s what you’re made-up of, it will eventually bubble-up and spill over into your view of other people and the world around you.
I’ve been very pointedly trying to replace my negative self talk with positive, uplifting thoughts. It sounds so cheesy, but I do think that there is power in positive thinking for people like me. But it’s hard!
A light went on a few days ago shortly after a friend posted a picture on Facebook. It was a list of 10 things that people spend time thinking about too often. I read through the list and it’s safe to say that a large majority of my thoughts are taken-up by these things (number 3 & 7 especially).
After I read through the list I chuckled to myself. “Yup!” I said to mysef, “That’s me.” Later in the day when I had a bit of peace and quiet to do some soul-searching I was stopped in my tracks by a thought. I looked down at my body. I looked at my legs and my hands. I looked at my squishy post-baby tummy. One day this body will be rotting away and could be next week for all I know. Every day, every breath is unknown. We don’t have a right to the next day…it’s a gift, it’s a blessing. Yet I’m spending this gift and blessing on all the wrong things. I’m spending it worrying about everything and what people think. I’m spending it in fear of failing so I don’t even take steps to try. I’m spending it feeling overwhelmed by so many things that are inconsequential. How many days, months, years have I wasted with thinking this way!? I was sad for a little while after I thought about all of this.
I’m learning a lot about myself these days. I feel like God is pealing back all these layers and slowly revealing a vision of how He wants me to be. I need to set aside my fears and disappointments and follow Him. Life is too short to spend it absorbed in such silly things.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”