After writing yesterdays post and hitting ‘Publish’ I found myself fighting back the tears. I’m wasn’t sure why I was so affected mentally recounting the years events, I didn’t even write that big long list of everything I didn’t like about last year. Why so emotional?
James woke-up around noon (from being on evening shift, he’s not a lazy dead-beat bum although I’m sure our neighbours think he is since he’s home during the day all the time), made himself a coffee and joined me on the couch. I was hoping to have a good cry before he woke-up because I could feel it coming on and I didn’t want our one hour of time together spent with me acting like a basket case and him with a sympathetic look on his face but secretly thinking that he should come up with a good reason to leave for work early because his wife is all mascara-streaked-tears-in-the-coffee-cup-crazy. But try as I might to reflect on why I was so emotional over the new year I couldn’t muster the tears until he sat on the couch and looked at me…then the water works started.
I related to him what I’d written in the post and talked about how I feel like I needed this new year to be consistent so that I could work on the little things that I’ve wanted to work on for awhile. It’s hard to work on the small things when your life is in survival mode and all you’re thinking about is getting through that day without going postal or running off to Costa Rica to start a new life. As we were talking it dawned on me that part of why I was a big ball of emotion in thinking about this new year was that so much can change in a year and no matter what I do there is so much out of my control. I’ve become fairly apprehensive for what this next year will bring. Instead of being excited about the unknown and all the potential and possibilities it has started to make me nervous and I’m not happy about that. I never used to be an anxious person but the last twelve months have taken their toll and I’m finding that I have to make a concentrated effort to relax and go with the flow of life.
I want 2013 to be a good year. I want these next twelve months to be life changing in a good and positive way. I want to come out on top. I’m tired of learning and growing and stretching through chaotic circumstances but I can’t look ahead and guarantee that this year will be smooth sailing because I’m not locking myself in my bedroom and covering my entire family in bubble wrap. There’s a saying that I absolutely love because I feel like it sums up what our lives have been, but even more than that I feel like it rings true for how I feel about life and living. The saying is ‘A ship in the harbour is safe. But that is not what ships are made for.’ James and I have grown a lot in the last few years and it’s not because we had boring lives where nothing ever changes. I want to face this next year with confidence that no matter what happens, with God’s strength and grace, I will be able to handle it and grow in it and learn from it.
I guess only time will tell.
“My feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly I will praise the Lord.”