It’s -37 with the wind-chill today
And all I can think of
I’ve been cranky the past few
days weeks. A lot of it has to do with the extreme cold and the fact that I usually get this way in January and February. Other parts of it have to do with me not feeling like myself; in between pregnant size Bria and normal size Bria, haven’t been to a salon in…hm, can’t remember, itchy dry skin from the cold, being cooped-up in the house with three kids, two of which have cabin fever. Our house is a disgusting mess which makes me feel on-edge all of the time. The laundry is never ending, the dishes constantly pile-up, it takes me about a year to clean one room and I have to do it in between taking care of kids, James and myself so by the time that’s done the rest of the house is gross and uninhabitable. Does it ever end? Please, someone tell me it does! I can very much relate to the quote, “Cleaning your house while you have small children is much like shovelling during a snowstorm.” I’m also frustrated that I’m 30 and I still don’t have my own vehicle (was supposed to go to my sisters house this afternoon but James had to go into work early, thus leaving me stuck at home) and the vehicle we do have seems to be falling apart every other day.
Anyway, you’re probably wondering why my post is titled ‘Thankful’ when I’m going on about all the things that are getting on my nerves. Well, I find that when I get like this I need to drastically shift my thinking. Here it goes…
Things I’m Thankful for Today:
1) A warm house ~ even if it is a dump right now.
2) A (somewhat) working vehicle ~ even if I can barely lift the car seat up and into the thing and everything seems to be cracked or broken, at least it gets us from Point A to Point B.
3) Food in our cupboard and fridge ~ actually, mainly thankful for coffee right now.
4) Simple things to keep the children entertained ~ playing outside in snow forts and mixing kitchen ingredients to make fun goop and doughs goes a long way for a kid.
5) My comfy couch where I can sit and read magazines or day dream on ~ sunshine, rain boots, puddles, melting snow…
6) That my kids each have their own weekly activity (soccer and irish dancing) where they can run around and blow off some steam.
7) Saucy Latin music to spice things up and dance around the kitchen to.
8) Soothers ~ Eli is cranky today too.
9) Soup ~ tasty and warm.
10) A cozy bed after a warm bath when the day is done.
If you’re, like me, having a hard time seeing the spring at the end of the winter today, what are some things you can be thankful for?
The other day I sent my sister a text about how I think I’d like to own a cute boutique dedicated to 1950’s wares and fashions, new and used. Really, the more I think about it, it would just be a vintage/retro inspired store. She texted me back that Winnipeg was saturated with those and now they’re all closed. I was disappointed for a few moments then I put it out of my mind.
I like to daydream and think about what I’d like to spend my days doing when the kids don’t need me as much. I often struggle with what I’d like to do in the future. I know, I shouldn’t worry about it but I’m going to be 30 this year and I just can’t help but want something of my own to do and enjoy and be good at (outside of being a mom).
I love thrifting and the 50’s and dresses and cute housewares…how fun would it be to have a little shop dedicated to those? I’ve mainly worked in retail and I really enjoy it. I love the customer interaction and I find that I’m quite good at it. My favourite job that I’ve had was when I was working at a little gift wares shop in Osborne Village. So much fun. I loved going to work.
I was looking at some Instagram pictures the other day and I couldn’t get over how much I loved the photo’s this one girl was taking. She owned a shop just like what I had imagined. As I looked at more and more of her pictures I got more and more excited. Those colours, those dresses, those sweet retro glasses! Then I started noticing some landmarks…nooooooooo! Her shop is in Winnipeg! Of all places it could be. I wanted to jump up and down for joy and cry at the same time.
Ah well, it’s not like I could open a shop any time soon. On to the next daydream.
I should have snapped a photo, but I didn’t. I’ll have to describe it and paint you a mental picture instead.
Today Amelia was sitting at the kitchen table having her lunch. She was wearing a white and purple striped t-shirt with a grey and pink Hello Kitty zip-up hoodie over top (the sweater has a huge pink sequins bow on it), her very puffy black tu-tu with grey stars on it, skinny jeans, white socks pulled up all the way over the jeans and ruby red sparkly flats. This type of look isn’t unusual for Amelia. She goes to the beat of her own drum when it comes to fashion. For Christmas her Papa got her bright green headphones, not the ear-buds but the overly big cushy type. The headphones go well with my old discman that I found a few weeks ago from the 90’s. Since I have an iPhone and a Nano I don’t have a use for the discman any more so it’s officially become the kids treasure. I filled-up a case of kids music and some of my old CD’s for them to have.
So she’s sitting at the table totally oblivious, and deaf, to the world around her while belting out some Avril Levine (although she didn’t know all of the lyrics so it was mainly just sounds with the odd word thrown in) and looking like a little Cyndi Lauper. James and I were in the kitchen when she turns around and says, loudly due to the noise-cancelling headphones, “THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PART OF THE CHEESE STRING.” I look at James and he looks at me. She’s holding up a noodle of cheese. We try not to laugh.
“The string of cheese is your favourite part of the cheese string?” I ask.
She pulls the headphone away from her ear. “Huh?”
“You’re saying the string…of cheese…is your favourite part of the cheese string? I ask again with slightly more inflection. James and I lock eyes and smirk.
She plops the cheese in her mouth, turns back around and continues singing along to Avril.
I’m curious and excited to meet Ammie as a 15 year-old. It’s going to be quite interesting.
After writing yesterdays post and hitting ‘Publish’ I found myself fighting back the tears. I’m wasn’t sure why I was so affected mentally recounting the years events, I didn’t even write that big long list of everything I didn’t like about last year. Why so emotional?
James woke-up around noon (from being on evening shift, he’s not a lazy dead-beat bum although I’m sure our neighbours think he is since he’s home during the day all the time), made himself a coffee and joined me on the couch. I was hoping to have a good cry before he woke-up because I could feel it coming on and I didn’t want our one hour of time together spent with me acting like a basket case and him with a sympathetic look on his face but secretly thinking that he should come up with a good reason to leave for work early because his wife is all mascara-streaked-tears-in-the-coffee-cup-crazy. But try as I might to reflect on why I was so emotional over the new year I couldn’t muster the tears until he sat on the couch and looked at me…then the water works started.
I related to him what I’d written in the post and talked about how I feel like I needed this new year to be consistent so that I could work on the little things that I’ve wanted to work on for awhile. It’s hard to work on the small things when your life is in survival mode and all you’re thinking about is getting through that day without going postal or running off to Costa Rica to start a new life. As we were talking it dawned on me that part of why I was a big ball of emotion in thinking about this new year was that so much can change in a year and no matter what I do there is so much out of my control. I’ve become fairly apprehensive for what this next year will bring. Instead of being excited about the unknown and all the potential and possibilities it has started to make me nervous and I’m not happy about that. I never used to be an anxious person but the last twelve months have taken their toll and I’m finding that I have to make a concentrated effort to relax and go with the flow of life.
I want 2013 to be a good year. I want these next twelve months to be life changing in a good and positive way. I want to come out on top. I’m tired of learning and growing and stretching through chaotic circumstances but I can’t look ahead and guarantee that this year will be smooth sailing because I’m not locking myself in my bedroom and covering my entire family in bubble wrap. There’s a saying that I absolutely love because I feel like it sums up what our lives have been, but even more than that I feel like it rings true for how I feel about life and living. The saying is ‘A ship in the harbour is safe. But that is not what ships are made for.’ James and I have grown a lot in the last few years and it’s not because we had boring lives where nothing ever changes. I want to face this next year with confidence that no matter what happens, with God’s strength and grace, I will be able to handle it and grow in it and learn from it.
I guess only time will tell.
“My feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly I will praise the Lord.”