So I wrote the previous post shortly after finding out I was pregnant back at the beginning of March. I was horribly shell-shocked. Sure, over the past 4 years I’d taken test after test, waiting with a lurching stomach and a cold sweat for that second pink line to change my life…again, but you are never fully prepared until it’s actually right there in front of you. I was always paranoid about getting pregnant again so whenever I was a few days late I would rush to the drugstore, pick-up a box of tests and drink a gallon of water to put my mind at ease.
This time, the second little line showed-up. I thought that I was just going through my usual routine of creating symptoms in my head and getting myself all worked-up over nothing but it seems that this time the symptoms were real and there was in fact a little baby sprouting inside of me.
It’s taken me awhile to wrap my mind around all of this. Amelia will be 5 in a few months, Rhys will be 7 shortly after that. We just moved out of our house and into a tiny two bedroom apartment (with no dishwasher, a small apartment sized fridge and stove and coin laundry on the 2nd floor). What were we thinking!??! What was God thinking!??!
Now that it’s been awhile and I’m just approaching the four-month mark, I’ve had time to think things through and try to sort out how I’m feeling and what this will look like. It’s been hard to feel excited when I’ve had my head stuck in the toilet since mid-March but I’m slowly coming around (and s.l.o.w.l.y. starting to feel better).
Lately I’ve been able to see some positives to having this child and I feel like I’m, bit-by-bit, gaining some understanding as to the Lord’s timing on things.
So here are a few of my thoughts:
Amelia starts afternoon kindergarten in September so both of my kids will be in school. I will have my mornings with Ammie and the baby (which is great, because I’m a morning person and Ammie is really relaxed during that time) and I will have a quiet house for baby and I to nap in during the afternoon. James now has an awesome job which gives him stretches of days off in between shifts, holidays, sick leave and the ability to take paternity leave if he so chooses ( I like that perk). My children are old enough to be very good helpers around the house. They are also old enough to get kicked outside for hours on end without me having to worry about them wandering off or Rhys pushing Amelia into the dirt and sitting on her.
I spent a lot of time in the past few years wondering what was next for me. To be honest, I think that I was eager to start the next chapter in my life so that I could have (feel) some significance and value and excitement in other people’s eyes. I had my worth wrapped-up in entirely the wrong thing. I searched high and low for what I could possibly do or try. I came up with idea after idea, course after course for things that I might remotely be interested in. Some things sounded great, but nothing felt ‘right’. I prayed and prayed for God to show me what He would have me do. Ever since starting at Smart Set I have missed the early years of my children’s lives, where I was just at home, baking and crafting and playing and living their day-to-day with them. Sure, it’s an exhausting job, but I enjoyed it. I’ve lost touch with that joy of mothering. Or maybe I just all together gave it up in pursuit of self.
I’ve been longing to get back to that place and maybe this is God affirming me in that, giving me a clear path as to what He has for me. At least that’s how I’m choosing to look at this. It’s taken me a few months to get to this point, but now that I’m here it’s starting to feel right. On top of this new baby, James and I have a lot of other things going on in our lives right now. When I look around me, all I see is change and it can be completely overwhelming but I just have to trust that God has it all in His hands.