I sat for a moment after reading a friends blog post and wondered what I could possibly say that might bring some hope, clarity or insight into her painful situation. The first thing that popped into my head was this post that I wrote just over two years ago. So while this re-post is meant for a specific individual, feel free to read or re-read it.
(I have to add that when you’ve allowed your joy in life to slip away (or have had your joy taken), time is huge factor to getting it back. When you’ve been hurt, betrayed, insulted, demeaned or abused, or have just had a shaky go of things, it is important to know that with the passing of a day/month/year, you will start to get back to ‘normal’. You will be altered for sure, but if you let the situation teach you and if you recognize that you have such a powerful inner strength then you will be better for it and, in turn, you can teach others. Instead of having a happy-go-lucky attitude all day, every day, you may have to go searching for joy and hold onto those things or moments that bring you joy. They will probably be few and far between for a while but, with time and prayer, you’ll find that they slowly meld together and one day you will wake-up and realize that you are having more sunny days than dark days and that, my friends, is a victory to be celebrated. You will be able to turn to that situation/person/people/thing that hurt you in the first place and say to it/them, “I’m done. You have a hold on me no more.” The weight will slip away and you will go on living.)
Buns and Joy
(written October 2009)
My mom has always said that from early on she wished she could go back and rename me. I’m sure she likes the name Bria, and I know that it suites me well, but if she could do it over she would call me Joy. She says this because I brought her (and continue to bring her…mainly because of my baby making skills) so much joy. I must admit this humors me somewhat. I’ve gone through depression on a number of occasions and tend to veer toward the ‘glass half empty’ outlook on life.
Despite my pessimistic attitude she still holds to her statement and recently pinpointed a struggle of mine. While driving in the car one day she said to me, “Bria, don’t let anyone steel your joy. I know this past year has been a hard one for you and some people have been not that great…but you have to hold onto your joy.” Thankfully we had just pulled up to Safeway and I bolted out of the car to grab some milk before the kids went crazy. I didn’t want to face that statement.
Quite frankly, I’ve been overly cranky these past few weeks…this past year actually. As a matter of fact, I would call myself a BITCH. There you go. I said it. And I’ve only said it because I have been. I guess I have let my joy slip away. I don’t find joy in many things anymore. Certain things, situations, or people make me laugh and smile…but I have a hard time being joyful on a regular basis. That’s sad.
With that said, I posted a picture of the Cinnamon Buns that I made today because I realized that I’ve gotten back my joy of baking. I stopped baking for a while and didn’t want to have anything to do with it. That’s coming from someone who will frequently sit and read a recipe book cover to cover and consider it a ‘good read’. But it’s back! Most days you can walk into my house and I’ll have made a cake or cookies or muffins or loaf or random other treats and happily share them (James doesn’t happily share them though). I find joy in the process. I find joy in teaching Rhys how to bake. I find joy in testing out new recipes. I find joy in seeing my husband light up when I’ve made his favorite things. I find joy in how big Rhys’ eyes get when he beholds his tasty snack.
I know it’s just baking and it’s not going to fix my crusty attitude completely…but it’s a start. It’s a very yummy start.