I sat down in the morning sun with a cup of steaming coffee in my hand and I opened-up my bible.
I felt so much better after doing a lectio divina with a passage from Psalms. Amazing. Refreshing. Calming. Convicting. Comforting. Clarifying. Life-giving.
I opened-up my devotional. The same devotional that I’ve had from before Ammie was born, A Prayer Journey with the Apostle Paul. I still hadn’t made it even a quarter of the way through the book. I picked-up from where I’d left off…right at the beginning of Paul’s conversion. Amazing. Refreshing. Calming. Convicting. Comforting. Clarifying. Life-giving.
I pushed my books aside and bowed my head. There were a number of people who had been on my heart so I brought them, one-by-one, before the Lord. I thought about the passage I’d read and the devotion I did. I thought about Saul’s conversion to Paul. I thought about God’s grace and love and His wonderful hand of providence. I thanked Him for these. Amazing. Refreshing. Calming. Convicting. Comforting. Clarifying. Life-giving.
That was Monday morning.
I sat in church on Sunday and wondered what had happened. Why did I feel so dry and distant? I was a touch on the angry side. I’d been fighting a conviction for a few months and I didn’t want to admit it. He was trying to speak and I knew it, but I didn’t want to change. “I’ve changed enough” I reasoned, “I’ve come so far”. It had been months since I’d sat and spent time with Him. Months since I’d given Him my quieted attention. Months since I’d given him room to speak and to guide me. Sure I’d shoot Him a prayer here and there. Sure I’d spend time kind-of thinking about my spiritual walk. A prayer here and there and a random thought aren’t enough to feed me. My cup was drying-up.
The reason? Things were fine.
I find it so easy to draw close to God when I’m in crisis or when I’m stressed. It’s logical. He is a savior and I’m in need of saving. It makes sense. What I find extremely difficult is to draw close to him when life is truckin’ along; kids are good, marriage is great, life is (for the most part) grand. Certain things here and there could use some improvement but in the overall grand scheme of things life is humming along, just peachy.
After years of living in crisis and not knowing what was going on and why things were happening the way that there were I think that my spiritual walk was almost a survival tactic for me. I needed it to stay afloat. Which is fine. When you’re in the midst of a storm you need to cling to what will cover you and give you guidance. You keep your eyes fixed on the light from the lighthouse. I got used to this. I got used to seeking God in the midst of chaos.
Now that our lives have calmed down it’s as though I’m re-learning how to follow God on a straight, sometimes bumpy, road instead of the switchback that I had grown so accustom to.