You know you’re a SAHM when…

So I’ve been a SAHM for almost 5 years now…half a decade. Wow. It usually seems like it’s gone by pretty fast, until I actually stop and think about it. 5 years is a lo00000ng time to be doing the same thing day-in and day-out! Sometimes I wonder how I’ve been able to keep my sanity…oh yeah, I haven’t. So in mourning of my lost sanity celebration of being a SAHM for five years I’ve compiled a list. Please keep in mind that these are all made-up and I have never, ever experienced any of these, ever.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A STAY AT HOME MOM WHEN:

  1. You put something in the microwave and then proceed to walk away.
  2. You get out your shoes and socks, sit down, and then just put your shoes on.
  3. You stand right in front of the product that you want at the grocery store, say the name of the product out loud, read it on your list to make sure you’re supposed to buy it and then walk away without picking it up – twice in a row.
  4. You proof two batches of dough in the oven with the light on. When they’ve doubled in size you take out one batch to roll into a pizza crust. You proceed to completely forget about the second batch of dough in the oven so you turn the oven on to make the first pizza and end-up baking the second batch in the proofing bowl.
  5. You mis-read the number of hits on your blog thinking that it says 100,000 when in fact it only says 10,000…but don’t realize your mistake before you’ve gone and told a bunch of people how cool you are that your blog hit 100,000 views (I definitely didn’t do this one).
  6. You smile and nod and pretend to understand when people start talking to you about anything other than diaper brands, playdoh or periods because you’ve forgotten how to properly communicate with non-SAHM’s.
  7. You read the Winnipeg Free Press online everyday so that you have fall-back topics to discuss with your husband when you realize that he just isn’t that interested in how big your daycare kids poop was that day.
  8. You put something in the microwave, set the time, press START and remember three hours later.
  9. You become overly excited when you get to go on outings to the grocery store…in fact, when you just start referring to things as outings.
  10. You call your husband mid-meltdown and explain to him that the coffee maker is broken and you haven’t had your morning cup and you need your cup of coffee today because  the kids are already acting-up and you feel fat and the dishes are taking over your kitchen and you can’t see the floor and the bills need to get paid and you hate your clothes and you’re pretty sure the mole on your leg is cancerous and that you’re going to die young and that he needs to speed to a Canadian Tire to buy you a new coffee maker…when all-of-a-sudden you realize that your coffee pot is just unplugged.
  11. You check the mail box and promptly forget that you just checked for mail. You check the mail box 2 minutes later and forget again. You check the mail box 2 minutes after that…deja vu kicks in and you realize that this is the third time in four minutes that you’ve checked for mail so you slowly look around for any neighbors who might be watching this unfold while you back into the shadows of your house.

And like I said, I just made these up. I’m not that far-gone…

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1 Comment

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One response to “You know you’re a SAHM when…

  1. ya. i don’t believe you when you say these things haven’t happened. i have experienced at least 80 percent of them. and we’re from the same genetic stock so…….

    also: hilarious. thanks!

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