I’ve Come Undone.

*This post is not meant to be a pity party or anything resembling one. This post is all about me working through this issue openly…it’s time I dealt with it.*

One thing that has been dumbly staring me in the face for a few years is my insecurity. So we’re gonna talk about it! I asked James the other day how he describes me to people (or how he would, given the opportunity) and close to the top of his list was that I’m an insecure person. That kinda sucks, but I’d have to agree…I’m horribly insecure. I don’t mean to be and I don’t want to be, but I am. It affects pretty much every part of me; I’m insecure about what I do with my life, about my looks, about my weight, about my hair, about singing for people, about my clothes, about my artwork, about my sewing, about my humor, about making friends, about talking to people, that I’m not smart enough, that I’m not passionate enough. Heck, I’m even insecure about blogging! This doesn’t mean that every single thought that I have is negative (although there are days where it feels like that could be true), sometimes I’ll paint something and I’ll quite like it but I usually end up sabotaging those thoughts. *side note: I once had someone yell at me for not painting a certain way…ever since then I’ve always told myself that my pictures and paintings are silly nonsense* Maybe you know what I’m talking about, maybe you don’t.

I understand this about myself and can look back and see where a lot of it originates from. My parents marriage ended the night of my grade six graduation (although it took them years to actually get legally divorced). I remember so much about that day but the months that followed were a blur. I entered Jr. High nervous, depressed, in shock and feeling an overwhelming sense of abandonment. It took years to get back on my feet though some things just got pushed farther and farther down. Counselors, therapists, a clinical psychologist, antidepressants, The Cranberries, cargo pants and Doc Martens seemed to do nothing. I carried on with life with an altered demeanor. One good thing that came out of my teenage voyage through self loathing was my creativity.  It’s how I was able to cope with anything and everything.

After I graduated my outlook seemed to change drastically.  Some things still pushed down, but a lot of my issues I was able to let go of or work through while overseas, away from everything I considered normal. It was easy to “re-invent” myself, (and by re-invent I mean discover a youthfulness and joy that I had left or ignored).  I finally let it out, and I felt liberated.

Fast forward a few years. James and I are married with one child and another on the way. He is a youth pastor in a community we love. I’ve invested so much of myself, my talents, my life into the place and people. Then, seemingly all-of-a-sudden everything comes a-crashin’ down. For those of you who know the story (and I mean know it correctly, which is from what I know only a very, very small handful of people who have actually heard the entire story from start to finish from me), obviously know what I’m talking about. For those of you who haven’t the slightest idea of what I’m talk about…think of the biggest pile of poop and then think about the biggest fan you can think of and make the poop hit the fan and then think of the mess and multiply that by 10. There. Anyways, I’m not trying to beat a dead horse with the Niverville thing but the reality is that it affected every part of who I was on such a deep and personal level that even a few years after the fact I am still seeing repercussions in myself.

While I no longer feel angry or bitter (glory be to God for healing that) about the situation I’ve realized that I’ve become more insecure than ever. *side note: I’m not going to alphabetically go through all of the ways my insecurities have grown since the debacle in Niverville, but I will say that the biggest one that I feel is that I’m just not worth having for a friend. The damage from this has been extensive and (I’ll just go out on a limb and say it) it’s almost debilitating for me to talk to new people…especially at church.* I’m sure part of this is because I’ve been stuck at home for 5 or 6 days a week without  significant adult interaction for a few years now. I’m left to my thoughts, the good the bad and the sabotaging. I do need to surround myself with more positive things and thinking but some days it’s just so damn hard. I keep thinking (or possibly hoping) that as I grow older I’ll just naturally become more comfortable with who I am. I’ll realize and come to know Bria and I’ll like her, I’ll like what she is and who she is. Somewhere along the way I’ll stop caring about what other people think, what other people wear, what other people do or how they look at me when I’m wearing my favorite turquoise hat. With each passing year I feel like the “Who am I” question goes largely unanswered, though not for lack of trying, and I start the next year vowing to figure me out. I’m tired of Bria being an insecure person and I think the conclusion (right or wrong) that I come to 99% of the time is that if I can just understand who I am at the very core (other than the sunday school “you are a child of God” answer) then I won’t be insecure anymore.

To be continued when I can gather more of my thoughts….

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “I’ve Come Undone.

  1. I have known you for a few years now and I would not have guessed you were insecure. I always thought you were creative, beautiful and confident in your style choices. I can totally understand how someone’s perception may not be reality. Happens all the time. So I appreciate you sharing openly and honestly from your heart. As for the whole Niverville thing, if you wanted to, I would love to hear the truth from you, as I only heard a small and probably warped version. If you don’t want to, I understand. As for self-confidence, I have found that the more Jay verbally affirms me in the areas of my weaknesses, the more I grow to believe his truths instead of my lies. I can become so consumed with the lies I tell myself that it becomes my “truth” – I need someone on the outside with the real truth to tell me the way things actually are which is more accurately how God views me than my view of myself. I hope you are able to find someone in your life that can do that for you. Show you the truth and replace the lies! As for becoming “older and wiser”, I don’t agree. The wisdom only comes in someone showing you the truth, no matter what age you are at. You are beautiful, you are talented, you are creative, you are loved, and you are a friend. I look forward to hearing you share more. Blessings, Bria, as you search for the truth.

  2. dana

    hey bria…

    i know we don’t know eachother that well, but i’d like to change that…maybe coffee sometime? or a crafty time? leave the little ones with the men? from what i do know about you, and from this post, i think we would really get along.

    maybe we can connect at church next sunday and figure out a time to get together if you’re interested.

    dana.

  3. Jay

    My heart weeps for you. I’m glad to hear that God is working in you to heal you and pray that he continues that process. I posted a similar response on your previous post, but if i may, i will offer this thought: Matt. 22:37-40 reads, “Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
    Recently i heard a preacher say that you will only love others as much as you love yourself. It is a difficult thought to grasp, and perhaps one of the reasons so many Christians hate others is because they hate themselves. The insecurity many (and at times i include myself) feel translates into not loving our neighbours. But this cannot be replaced with the first commandment: Love God first, above all else, and his love will flow into and through you in exciting ways. Above James, above the Kids, above all else, love God, and he will fill you with love and strength to make it through as you grow and mature.

  4. I can totally understand where you’re coming from Bria. I don’t think you’re the only one who worries about things like weight, our hair, how we look, etc. I could totally relate to this. A lot of the stuff you mention, I think about for myself.

    I think everybody has at least one thing, that they don’t like about themselves. But that one thing that they don’t like, could be the one thing that another person loves.

  5. Jay

    I’m gonna throw one other thing out there for you to chew on. In the Psalms one often encounters the word ‘Seleh’. As best as can be described, this word refers to ‘meditating’, or ‘reflecting’ on what has just been read. The problem with this is that there is often a chapter break between these moments of reflection. As i did my daily reading in Psalms today, I was reading from ch. 21-24. I encourage you to read 22-24 without considering the chapter breaks. Just read straight through, and pause and soak in God during the Seleh breaks.

  6. jdhiebert

    well bria. i know. i know it all. we have talked about it all. at length. many times over. and after we talked about “that” we’ve talked about everything else in the world. i want you to know that i feel incredibly blessed. you know, when what’s-her-name was friends with you i was incredibly jealous. you were someone i looked up to more than anything and i was just jealous. jealous that she basically dumped me for you (but you weren’t the first). jealous that she got to be that close person in your life because i wished deep down that i could be that person. what happened was devastating. while i can’t feel what you felt, i think i came about as close as a friend can come to feeling it. because i know what happened. because i was a part of it, in the middle of it, watching it all fall apart. i saw the lies first-hand. forgiveness has been hard. especially because of the friendship that has developed between us since then and i feel fiercely for you. and some days i still can’t believe i get to call you a friend. not just a friend, but a really really close friend. you mean a lot to me. a lot.
    i think you are beautiful.
    i think you are smart.
    i think you are clever.
    i think you are funny.
    i think you have insight.
    i think you enrich just about everything you touch.
    and mostly i think you are a wonderful friend.
    my insecure friend, i like you a whole lot.

  7. Pingback: So That’s That. | I've Come Undone

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