Monthly Archives: August 2009
I finally made it out to Cedarwood with the kids. James happened to mention that he had some work to do about 10 minutes away from the camp, so I half jokingly asked if he could drop us off while he did it. It worked out well. I got there during my brother (who is the new director) and sister-in-law’s ‘family time’ so we hung around the sandbox and then went down to the beach and let the kids get all wet and dirty. Unfortunately I couldn’t stay for very long, but it was a good visit. Rhys and Ammie were excited to see their cousins and have some different scenery to look at and I’m sure that James was happy to have some company along for the ride.
So my dad bought Rhys a video camera few weeks ago and he’s totally smitten with it. I’m also excited that I no longer have to hand over my precious camera and trust the toddler hands will care for it properly. He’s still getting used to the whole point the thing at what you’re wanting to record (as you’ll see in the first video), but I’m sure he’ll catch on pretty quickly. I thought that it would be fun to post some of them on here every now and then for all y’all to see. Enjoy Rhys’ vlog (vlog is short for video blog btw).
There’s something about the ocean that has this tight grasp on my heart. When I see pictures of it, when I watch videos of it, when my toes are tickled by the lapping waves my heart beats a little faster and I get excited. I don’t live by it (obviously), but for being born and raised in the prairies I’ve managed to spend a good amount of time staring at it’s vastness. I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment that it’s beauty seeped deep down into my soul but I do remember loving it from early on. It could have been on one of our trips to Mexico as a child, or it could have been walking along the beaches in California, or possibly seeing rows upon rows upon rows of boats in Annapolis, or living on ‘The Gully Wumper’ experiencing the thrill that sailing brings.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the prairies. They are unbelievably majestic in their own right, but the ocean has a hold on me in a way that the prairies never will. I find myself longing to see it, to dangle my feet in it, to hear the roar of the crashing waves.
The ocean became a spiritual place for me when I was in Australia. My good friend Jen and I decided to take a boat tour out to see the reef (cuz who goes all the way to Australia and misses that!?). What some people may not know is that the reef is about, depending where you were docked, a good hour out into open water…there is NOTHING around, save for a few other boats with tourists. You can either go scuba diving or you can snorkel, and we choose to snorkel. I can’t think of anything that could top the thrill of diving into open ocean, the possibility of nearby sharks (and that wasn’t an assumption, they told us there were sharks), not being able to see the bottom, and swimming for my life just to get on top of the reef. It was crazy. My friend took in a huge gulp of salt water and spent the rest of the time sick on the boat, so that left me to fend for myself. I paid a lot of money to get out there and for all I knew it might be my last chance to see the reef, I didn’t want to waste it. So on our second dive I went in by myself, scooted over to the reef and began taking in the sea turtles, the coral and all the little fish. What truly hit me out there in the open water was the vastness of it all, the beauty of it all, the depth of it all and the wildness of it all. We can never measure the ocean (we are still discovering new pockets and new species) and we can never tame the ocean. It is big and fierce. And what I couldn’t get out of my mind was how much bigger and how much deeper is God and his love for us.
When I was in Mexico with Rhys and Amelia I tried to spend as much time as possible by the ocean. Rhys hated it and Ammie was too young to take her in, but I stole away and had little moments by it and all of the same feelings about God came flooding back. Maybe that’s why I’m longing for the ocean, I’ve had a few special encounters with God and adventure by it and maybe I’m feeling like I need some more. That’s probably it, now that I’ve written all of this down (again, writing helps me process), but I do love the ocean. I hope and pray that I will have many more opportunities to look out onto the magnificent blue waters and contemplate it’s wildness and beauty.
(photo taken by a friend, sarah jenkins.)
I really enjoyed watching this clip and listening to the scripture. It’s an intro video to a sermon series called ‘Redeeming Ruth’. I haven’t watched the sermons yet, but I’m going to skip over there right now and start.
feelin’ blue today. the white stripes help a bit.
I was standing in an aisle at Micheal’s yesterday holding two watercolour sketch books trying to decided what weight of paper I liked better when the little voice in my head brought me back down to reality. “When will you have time for this?” it said…”You’re not even that good and you’re not going to frame any paintings, what a waste of money!” and, as per usual, I believed the voice and put both books down wishing that I did have time and that I was better at painting.
I remember hearing a woman talk about entering into motherhood in regards to packing for a trip, or something to that effect. You leave certain things behind, you pack what you want to bring along for your journey for later, and you wear an outfit during your travels. She said that motherhood was similar in that you just need to leave certain things about yourself behind, things that were maybe not that important to you. You also need to pack things that are meaningful that you might want to continue later on, when baby grows up. And finally, there are certain things that make you YOU, so one needs to wear those regardless of becoming a mother or not. This analogy resonated with me and pulled at one of my heart strings, I just wish that I had heard it before I became a mother. I would have given more time and thought to what I believed made me special and unique, what I just liked to do, and what I could live without. I guess where I’m going with this is that I feel all muddled inside, like I’m holding onto things that I just kinda liked and I let-slip the things that really made me Bria.
I used to paint all of the time, it was one of the major ways that I expressed myself and I’ve lost that. I realize that I don’t have the same amount of time to dedicate to painting that I used to, but when I do sit down with my brushes there’s just nothing there. I’ve lost my inspiration and drive and I feel like I’ve lost a part of me. Theater was also a huge passion of mine and I haven’t done anything theater-ish in years…years.
Everyone inevitably says, “oh, just wait until the kids get bigger, then you’ll have the time to do what you want” but in the meantime I just sit around feeling as though there are these huge holes in my character. I feel like I’m not fully Bria, but maybe I’m no longer good at those things that made me Bria and if I’m not then I’ve lost part of me, and then what makes me me in place of those things? That was a horribly confusing sentence and it’s left me even more confused. Hm.