This is what happens when I wait too long to go and get my hair cut. My bangs fall victim to my horribly bad hair cutting skills. I don’t usually touch anything else…but does it really matter? Everyone can tell that I’ve just taken scissors to my hair and somethings gone awry (?). I’m trying to grow my hair out for a wedding that I’m involved in. It’s not until next June but I’m almost past that awkward stage of hair growth…well, I was. Leave it to me to screw it up. Looks like I’ll have to make a visit to the hairdresser very very soon (or it might all come off).
i was very awake after this.
in my mind it’s so confusing and muddled….
soggy thoughts run amuck
i think and i think
i try to stand up
but all i can do is sit with my rain boots on
in this puddle.
Do you ever think about how special you are? Or who you are special to? It seems these questions have plagued my mind for the past few weeks. What makes me so special? What makes me stand out? What makes me different?
Growing up I had always felt that I was created for something wonderful and exciting. I can’t really explain it but I thought that God had this amazing plan for me and that I was made for greatness. I wouldn’t have been able to venture a guess as to what the plan was or where I would end up but it just seemed like one day I would be somebody. It sounds silly, I know, but it’s what I felt. It didn’t matter what I did, in my mind, because I would be good and excel. Hmmmm.
Skip ahead to present day. I feel boring. I feel bland. I feel monotonous. I feel like I’m just a routine. I feel a bit like Mr. Incredible from ‘The Incredibles’. Made for greatness but lost somewhere on the journey, unable to find himself. I try to go over lists, again in my mind, of what I’m good at. I try to focus on what I can develop but somehow amidst the ‘positive thinking’ exercise my thoughts snag on a negative, and then another negative, and then another and another and another. Soon my positive thinking has turned into a self sabotage and I feel like crawling into a hole.
I think that part of my issue is that I get my hopes up. I envision what things are going to be like or what they should be like. Silly things. Little things. I build things up in my head to be wonderful and glorious, something like the scene in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ where Elizabeth walks into the meadow while the sun is just coming up. Through the fog you see a little speck which slowly turns into Mr. Hotness Himself/Mr. Darcy. I’m sure that every woman who has watched that scene has experienced extreme heart palpitations at the moment Mr. Darcy tells Elizabeth that she has ‘bewitched him’. How romantic. How perfect. How unreal. And that’s just what it is…unreal. So why do I build things up to such extremes only to be let down my the smallest thing? I don’t know. I realize that I do this and I’ve tried to curb it but it seems like it’s built into me. Hmmmm. Built into me. Built into me. Built into me.
I read (most-of) the book ‘Captivating’ by Stacey and John Eldridge a few years ago. It made sense in my mind, but more importantly it made sense in my girly heart. I have a need to be special and captivating. I’ve been created that way. But how does that translate? How do I take that and make it work/apply it to my routine life? I don’t feel captivating. At all. I don’t feel very special. I don’t feel like I’m living ‘greatness’. Are these all little girl dreams and do I just need to come to terms with the fact that life isn’t like Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy finding each other in that meadow?
In my mind it’s so confusing and muddled…
Have you ever had a dream where you’re trying/struggling to get somewhere? Try as you may the only thing you end up doing is moving farther and farther away from you desired goal? I haven’t, not that I can remember at least. However, it feels as though my current state could be summed up in a dream like that. I want to be able to smile at people and genuinely feel it. I want to be able to tell people that I’ve got it figured out (for the most part), that I love where I’m at, that I enjoy every moment of being a parent, that I’m thrilled with being a stay-at-home mom, that I don’t feel angry every time I think about her, that I’ve forgiven him, and most importantly that God and I are just dandy. I want to say those things and mean them.
I’m turning 25 soon and it seems like I should have more things figured out. Maybe I feel this way because I’m not your typical 25 year old; I’ve been married for 4 years and I have 2 kids. I know there have been people who have thought that James and I have ‘got it’. We’re married, we have a boy and a girl (the million dollar family apparently), James has a great job that he loves, we have our own house, we have a nice truck…yada yada yada.
Why do I feel so empty if I apparently ‘have it’? I know the answer, I just don’t want to face it.
“in her prayers she whispers, ‘if you don’t mind, please change everything about me, or just make me go away. i can’t look myself in the eye cause my mirror mirror it never lies. why can’t i breath? there’s this weight on my chest and i can’t seem to lift it. can i be free? can i just lay back and breath’….”
frustrated. tired. grumpy. i drag myself to the washroom. finally i have a moment. i undress, pull the curtain back and step in. shower time. shampoo*condition. i open up the new body wash…i feel a tingling in my toes. i put some into my hand…the tingling moves up my body. i lather up…i’m engulfed. The smell is so, so, so, INVIGORATING! I am immediately transported to the most beautiful beach I’ve ever seen! The sky, the water, the sand…it’s all so real! I run to the water and start splashing around vigorously. yay! Yay! YAY! I feel myself singing, “Zip-a-dee-do-da Zip-a-dee-day.” Laughter starts billowing out from the depths of me. Ha! Haha! HAHAHA! I feel a cleansing. I feel a renewal. I feel a rebirth. I’M HAPPY! I’M ENERGETIC! MY MIND IS CLEAR! The smell…mmmmm…that smell, that smell! I have to find it’s source! POMEGRANATES….MANGO’s! I need them! I run up the beach looking for the fruit I’ve become so hungry for. Not here…HAHA…not there…HAHA. Searching (and laughing) I run back into the water and dive down…down…down. I feel my hair twisting and turning, I feel my feet kicking, I feel myself…breathing? My eyes open to a glorious kingdom beneath the sea. I’M A MERMAID! IT’S A WHOLE NEW WORLD! A MAGIC PLACE I NEVER KNEW! (oh, wait…that’s from Aladdin) Exhilarated I begin to flip, tumble, twirl. Rushing through the water at mock speed I continue my search for the fruit. I must have it…it’s mine! It’s my precious! (oh, wait…that’s from LOTR) I can taste it now just behind that………………………………………….I pull the shower curtain back. WHOA! What the heck just happened? And why am I so happy? “I’M SO HAPPY!!!!”, I yell at the top of my lungs. I feel like I can take on anything, like I can take on the world! I run upstairs and get dressed. I run back downstairs and clean the whole house in 5 minutes. 10 minutes after that I’ve finished every craft I’ve ever started. 20 minutes after that I have the roast in the oven and an apple pie made. I LOVE MY LIFE! I JUST LOVE IT!
If you would like a similar experience I would highly recommend the Softsoap Body Wash in Pomegranate & Mango with Moisture Beads. It totally lives up to it’s claims of leaving me feeling, ‘energized and ready to take on the world.’
James has been on holidays for the past two weeks, hence the lack of posting action. We’ve been spending some days doing fun summery things and spending some days lazing around the house. It’s been nice but all good things come to an end:(
I’m sure you’ll see more of me from now on.
(Julia, check out the tan that I’ve managed to get! Impressive in my opinion. I think that it’s all of the gardening and time spend at the kiddie pool)
I’ve taken up knitting…again. I bought a book, yarn and knitting needles a little over a year ago. I managed to learn the ‘cast-on’ and ‘knit stitch’, but that was all. I quickly became frustrated at how sloppy it all looked. That and the pictures for the ‘cast-off’ were so confusing they could have been hieroglyphics for all I knew.
When I decided to take up the skill I had a romanticized idea of what it would be like. I would catch on quickly, read the pattern well, zip off a few practice squares and be sewing cute hats for my kids in no time at all. Heck, they would be so cute people would start buying them! The perfect fool-proof plan.
I should know myself by now. James does! James is well aware of this trait in me and refuses to contribute vast amounts of money to my crafty whims. I do this all of the time. I’m not much of a ‘band-waggon’ type of person except when it comes to crafts. I get excited about learning new skills…is that so bad!??!
I woke up yesterday morning and decided to start again. This time it would be different! It would come quickly, I would understand the instructions, I would zip off a few practice squares and start knitting some cute mittens for the kids. EASY! Hmmmmmm.
I scrounged through the back of a cupboard hoping to locate my unused knitting supplies. BINGO! Yarn-check. Book-check. Knitting Needles-One. What!? What the heck am I going to do with one!? I rummaged around the house some more and was able to locate the next best thing…drumsticks. So, I sat down and tried to re-learn the two things that I had learnt a year ago.
I read the ‘cast-on’ instructions, looked at the pictures and made my attempt. I again read the ‘cast-on’ instructions, looked at the pictures and made my attempt. I, for the third time, read, looked, read then looked, read and looked…looked then read…read…looked…attempt…NADA! I think that I sat for 45 minutes trying to figure it out. Praise the Lord for online knitting tutorials because after an hour of failing miserably at making a simple knot with a stick I was ready to hunt down the author of the ‘New Knitter’ book and murder them with a drumstick. Haha…I’m kidding (but…not).
I’ve got the ‘cast-on’ and ‘knit stitch’ down but they both look very sloppy. I’m sure this is partially due to the fact that I’m using drum sticks for knitting needles. I am determined to learn, it just might take some time…a lot of time.