This is me…undone and ranting.
I find that every few weeks I get into a funk. I find it harder to do the most simplest of tasks; cleaning the house, caring for the kids, spending time with James. It’s as though it becomes easier and easier to retreat into myself and shut everything else out. (I suppose this comes from a constant attempt to ward off depression. While I turned to anti-depressants a year ago, after all of the shit hit the fan, it was short lived because it too caused me to retreat into myself…happily? I did find it easier to be happier while on them…but for $70 a month and a slow distancing from wanting to be close with James I decided it just wasn’t the way to go.) However, the feeling of aloneness (?) is usually ended by an emotional breakdown and a huge realization that I can’t do this on my own. I am human and I need God, I need people. If only I could learn to live with that constant surrender every moment of my life. If only I could be real and transparent every day. If only I could live with love for others and not turn the spotlight onto myself, my woes, my issues.
I am very much in despair at this present moment. There are moments where I have a sliver of a thought. That thought goes something like this, “If only I didn’t know God. If only I was ignorant. If only I didn’t see. If only I didn’t know. If only I wasn’t part of the ‘church’. I could live my way, I could have my agenda, I could not care.” If any of you has ever thought the same way I’m sure you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Why can’t we just live as Christ? Why can’t we live the Sermon on the Mount? Why can’t we care every minute of every day…taking the spotlight of off ourselfs and onto what is happening around us? Why can’t we truly surrender? Why do we still try to succeed with our own agendas and motives?
My brother is going to school in the fall to become a pastor. He was recently talking to my father ( a christain man) on the phone about this and my dad stated matter-of-factly, “No, what you need to do is become independently weathly first and then go on to do missions.” He said the same thing to me when I was bouncing around the idea of going to Africa. Something is massivly wrong in this world of ours and I am at a loss of what to do…
“Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual. But the one who has love, courage, and wisdom moves the world.” –Ammon Hennacy
“I know there are people out there who say, “My life was such a mess. I was drinking, partying, sleeping around…and then I met Jesus and my whole life came together.” God bless those people. But me, I had it together. I used to be cool. And then I met Jesus and he wrecked my life. The more I read the gospel, the more it messed me up, turning everything I believed in, valued and moped for upside-down. I am still recovering from my conversion.” – Shane Claiborn