Our search for a home continues. I feel as though I’m getting anxious about this whole process. I thought that we would have found a place by now but now I’m getting worried that we never will…or that the place that we do find will be a total dump.
I remember a particular moment of a retreat I was on last February. The speaker asked us to close our eyes and imagine us sitting in our favorite place…a place where we are truly content. I closed my eyes and my mind started to fill with images of places. I saw my house (in Niverville), my mom’s house, my apartment in Otterburne, my house on Maryland St…my mind raced back to places that I had been, other peoples houses, vacations, the list became quite long. Then I stopped. The speaker continued on with the exercise but I was stuck on trying to imagine a place. I couldn’t. For the life of me, I couldn’t come up with a place where I’ve been truly content and happy. The closest that I could come up with was the back porch of 81 Livingstone (the house that I lived in in Australia). It was beautiful and it was a place where I met daily with God. I grew there and saw huge changes in my life. I haven’t felt that way since. What’s sad is that was way back in 2002. I couldn’t think of a place where my soul has been at rest and at peace…or even a place that I’ve truly liked other than 6 years ago. This concerned me greatly. It makes me think that it’s not so much my surroundings as it is the state of my soul and life. I so badly want to have a place to call my own and a place where I love being at and spending time working on it…but I think that it needs to come from a deep seeded contentment in my heart. I need to learn how to be happy with myself and who I am and then it might spread to the rest of my life.